What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You left your underwear on the fireplace
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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