I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
