i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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