i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
