O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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