Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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