I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
