Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
