Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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