so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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