dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
