I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
