So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
