I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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