i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
