I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
