Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
