My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
