I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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