If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
