Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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