Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
