its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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