apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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