I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
