I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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