she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
did i just pee glitter
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
do nipples grow back?
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