I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
