3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
