There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
