i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
