While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
