1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
