it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
