where am i from again
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
