Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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