tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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