I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
