I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
