Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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