Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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