If i come over, it means nothing
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
