Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i drank out of a bidet.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
