I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
