I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
