Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
