soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
