I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
