I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
