I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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